Saturday, May 14, 2011

A Bad Day

I've come to the conclusion that my life is nothing more than a constant test of patients and dashed hopes and dreams.

I'm trapped in an existence of my own creation and although I love my children, if I could go back none of them would be here. I've become something I don't recognize. I despise the institution of marriage. Children are one of the worst decisions that can be made...not that mine were planned. Family will fail you and friends are only there when it benefits them.

Today is bad...I'm not normally this depressing. Unbelievably, given this post, my friends and coworkers think I'm amazingly optimistic, patient and forgiving. That's who I prefer to be, but there are days where I'm overwhelmed with responsibility, tired of my spouse treating me like a child, especially since I'm the one who makes the money, pays the bills, does whatever needs to be done for the house and the kids and then gets yelled out because I missed a yogurt lid when I tossed out trash from my work area in the house. Not that I have a real work area, I apparently don't merit that type of space or consideration in the house I pay for.

I love my children, but if I could go back none of them would be here. They're normal kids l. A mixture of self-centeredness and caring. I guess I just had them too young and that's why I find myself resenting them. I had all three between the ages of 20 and 26. It doesn't sound that young, but I went from a student/daughter directly to mother and wife. I never had time to find out who I was before having the responsibility of another life. I use to say I was living for my 40's when the kids would be grown, but my youngest has a genetic disorder,so that will never happen now. It's my own fault. .. my own bad decisions, but it does make me resentful from time to time.

As for marriage- that institution should be outlawed. I've become very bitter. I went in with the belief of partnerships and ended up as the main breadwinner (when not the sole one) and the cook, maid, chauffeur, nurse, handyman, book keeper, and designated whipping post whenever something isn't done to the satisfaction of my spouse, who doesn't actually do much of anything other than tell everyone else what to do, and how they didn't do it right. Normally very loudly. There's no consideration from him. I had tonsillitis and worked from home through it, because of work deadlines, so I needed to rest whenever I could. Well, I finally had a chance to lay down one evening around 6:30. He came home and work me up to go to the store for him. .. the sad thing is I did it. It was easier than fighting. I'm conflicted- I care what happens to him and see the potential, but at the same time I hate what I'm becoming.

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