Another Year

Today is the first day of the fourteenth year of my marriage.

You'd think after thirteen years together you'd know someone. They'd know you. What I've found is that's not true. I don't know my husband better now that I did thirteen years ago, and I liked him a whole lot better then than now. Now, don't get me wrong, I love him - I just don't like him all the time. As for him knowing me... I don't think he knows who I am at all.

With three children ranging from 15 to 8 I feel like I'm loosing my mind. My oldest two are in the midst of teenage hormones and rebellion while my youngest is special needs and is very much a mommy's boy, but then developmentally he's still 4 or 5, even if he's 120+ lbs and physically hitting some early puberty issues himself.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm just whining. I'm exhausted, physically some - mentally completely. I'm the working adult in our household. And i have some resentment over that. Not that I'm working. The fact that I'm able to provide is a relief in this economic climate. It's that I'm the only income and not because of job loss, but lack wanting one.

I'm frustrated over being have to be the responsible one... the bill payer, the schedule keeper, the homework helper, the school intermediary, the cook, the laundress, the housekeeper (admittedly a bad one). I don't do everything, but it feels like a disproportionate division.

I'm just so tired.